According to CASA (the Center for the Prevention of Abuse and Violence) at casacares.org,* one out of four girls and one out of five boys are sexually abused as children (and these are only the known cases). In my own healing journey and in my work with women survivors of sexual abuse, I hear story after horrendous story about this kind of trauma (as well as other kinds of childhood trauma). The effects on the survivors are devastating. Of the many stories I know well, most of us have struggled with these serious effects.

We have all spent our lives secretly believing we were bad (worthless, evil). Most of us have had bouts of clinical depression — sometimes severe, and sometimes in a quietly debilitating, low grade form we never named as depression. Many of us cut or otherwise physically abused ourselves in order to relieve the emotional pain. All have some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) whereby we relive terror and other abuse feelings when confronted with certain sights or situations. We often drink, use, eat, or not eat to keep these feelings away. Some have had an ongoing battle with suicidal thoughts. A few made serious attempts at suicide. All have dealt with self-hate, recognized or hidden. All of us report feeling alienated from our bodies. At least half have struggled with some kind of eating disorder.

A connection between sexual feelings and abuse was wired deep in our brains and bodies, and replaced normal sexual development. As a result, some of us had periods of promiscuity and abusive sex, and most of us have struggled with some form of sexual dysfunction. All have had problems with sexual intimacy. Many have had abusive adult relationships, including battering. Some are now recovering alcoholics; some married alcoholics. Others have diagnosed multiple personality disorder.

Our very sense of self, our personhood, was all but destroyed by childhood sexual trauma. This kind of suffering is what Wendy Farley calls “radical suffering” because it attacks our souls. We lose the ability to stand up for ourselves, or to have a sense of place in the world. None of these effects are in any way caused by some defect in the survivor, but come from the trauma itself.

This horrific abuse takes years of careful and loving therapy to heal. I used every form of good therapy and prayer I could find including EMDR, a treatment for PTSD. Art has played a big role in my own healing and I now use art with other trauma survivors. It takes real courage to do what it takes to heal. I am in awe of the women who come to my retreats in order to take the next step in healing. Those who heal have a special kind of compassion and strength. Many do not have the chance.

Most childhood sexual abuse is repressed. If you have any of these symptoms, please get help.

*Half of the proceeds from the cards I sell of my artwork (see CARDS) go to CASA. It is a small way to make a difference about this devastating problem.

For more about Childhood Sexual Abuse see my article, “Where Was God? Spiritual Questions of Sexually Abused Children.”

If you or someone you love has been sexually abused, visit RAINN for help and information.